When did you find your tribe?

I have found it increasingly more difficult to find that core group of friends. The ones we go on day trips with. Or have over on Saturday evening for a fire and drinks. The friends who go to a ball game with us and the kids where we can be relaxed and not feel judged. Maybe the ones we go to a concert with and dance until we can’t breathe. You get the picture.

We spend a great deal of time with our families. Which is great! But also takes away the time we could be spending with friends. We are super close with my brother and his girlfriend as well as my sister and brother in law. Unfortunately, they both live in different states. While we try to get together as much as possible, it is still difficult.

My sister in law is the only person other than my mom I call regularly. Is talking on the phone still a thing?? I remember spending HOURS on the phones with friends in high school! I do text often with friends, but I don’t have those in depth conversations with any of my friends unless we are together.

Friends From the Past

When I was in high school I had lots of friends. I had friends from varying groups within the school. I spent all my free time with these friends and loved those relationships. I always felt like they would never diminish, we would be friends forever. When it was time for college we all kind of went our separate ways due to attending different schools. Some stuck together and have remained friends while some drifted away. I’ve maintained a close relationship with one person from high school and despite living 10 minutes away even we don’t get together but a handful of times each year.

I recently had an old high school friend reach out and ask to do dinner, breakfast, drinks or really anything to catch up! After going through our schedules we decided to wait until this summer, but I am very much looking forward to catching up!

As I entered college I had the same experience I did in high school. I made a lot of friends and met some really great people. One in particular I just clicked with. We got our first teaching job together and have remained close. Sadly she just moved away! We still text often and I try to see her when she’s home visiting.

After college and kids things got tricky.

Some reasons I’ve recognized as road blocks:

When You’ve Been in a Long Term Relationship

It is so easy to get into a routine and get comfortable just being with your partner or spouse in my circumstance. I have been with my husband for 19 years!! We started dating right out of high school and have been together ever since. He is not nearly as social as I am so going out poses a problem some times (okay all the time). I would get together with friends weekly and he’s good for twice a year! I also enjoy some alone time with him when we get the chance to have a babysitter.

When You’re a Parent

This. This has made new friendships so difficult to establish, but also easy at the same time. I’ve met some amazing people through my kids. I always heard “you’ll make friends through your kids.” This has proved true. I was invited to a moms Facebook group when Brody, my oldest, was just a baby. I became good friends with a few moms through this group. We also had an amazing group of parents in Mackenzie, my middle daughters preschool class. Even though we don’t live within the same school district we’ve been fortunate enough to maintain those friendships. Being a parent, especially of 3, means I’m also ALWAYS busy doing something for them. It creates a challenge to make time for myself and building those friendships. I’m trying to get better at this.

When You Work Full Time

Working can be exhausting. Some days when I’m done I’m just done. I know my husband is too, especially on days he has to go into the office. We’re tired and just want to veg around the house for the evening. Working from home does help, but it can still be 5:30 or later by the time I get dinner on the table. Then we have to mow, do homework with kids, laundry, the list goes on and on.
Trust me, I realize being a stay at home parent is equally as exhausting, but the benefit to that is you are able to complete home tasks during the day and have your evenings and weekends free. I’m a stay at home working mom so I get it!

Below I’ve compiled some tips I think can help create and maintain existing friendships.

Tips to Create and Maintain Friendships

1. Join a club, class or activity. Doing something you love is a great place to find friends with a mutual interest. I love that, “No way! Me too!” moment when meeting someone new.
2. Say YES. Say yes when someone invites you. Even if it’s not your cup of tea. You may find something new you love! Although, I want to jump at yes every time I’m invited, I’m often hesitant because I know I’ll be leaving my husband home with the kids and then the guilt sets in.
3. Leave your partner or spouse home. Like I said my husband isn’t super social so when we do attend outings together we pretty much stay together the whole time. It makes it difficult for me to mingle and meet new people.
4. Make plans. Stop waiting on someone to invite you. My whole life I’ve been the one to initiate plans with friends. The last few years, I’ve really held back. I got frustrated with always being the one to reach out. I’m trying to get back into doing the inviting.
5. Maintain existing friendships. Keep up communication with friends you’ve had for years.

Bottom Line

Finding that authentic long-lasting friendship can be more challenging as we get older, but not impossible. I’m not here to compete and compare. I’m here to build and encourage. The friendships we make as we get older might take longer to acquire, but they are built on a strong foundation of trust, encouragement, and similarities that can hopefully last a lifetime.

Any other tips for building your tribe?